Everything you ever wanted to know about SATAN.

I have always had an interest in the darker, more horrific aspects of fantasy…and I am not alone. Humanity’s lust for the demonic, terrible, and just plain evil reveals a sort of morbid fascination, the same thing that has us rubbernecking at the scene of an accident, subconsciously (or perhaps not so subconsciously) hoping to see a splatter of blood or a disembodied head lying on the pavement. Our obsession is reflected in our fantasies, in which our imaginations seem to know no bounds. Most modern incarnations are harmless, such as scary movies or horror novels, but there were once many forms of fabricated evil that were very consequential, some of which survive today. Undoubtedly the longest surviving and best known of these is Satan.

Invented to be the personification of everything bad (or rather sinful, and yes, there is a definite difference), Satan has become one of the most iconic characters of our time, but perceptions of him still differ widely. Satanists see him as the ultimate representation of our primal urges, with power equivalent. Fundamentalist Christians still believe that he is all too real, with an entire supernatural organization designed to insinuate blasphemy and temptation into God's poor, huddled flock through such mediums as evolutionary biology, Harry Potter, and buttsex. (Though to be fair, these last two may indeed be related.)

THE ORIGIN OF SATAN

So where did the concept of Satan originally come from? Clearly not the Hebrew bible, or Tanakh. Supposed mentions of a supernatural adversary to God, which are excruciatingly vague and meager to begin with, are really only mistranslations and misinterpretations. Even in the book of Job, in which Satan argues with God about Job’s loyalty, the word representing him is ha’satan, which means “the adversary,” coining only that this entity was against god in an argument. We cannot even call the ha’satan's violations of Job in the story works of evil on his part, as he only does what god has sanctioned. Indeed, partway through the torment, god steps in and tells him to wreck Job’s ass even worse!

The “serpent” in the Garden of Eden wasn’t meant to be Satan either (most significantly because the whole Original Sin scenario was totally “borrowed” from Sumerian myth). The common perception today is that they are one in the same, but this is due to later Biblical scholars desperately trying to square all of the rag-tag, contorted, and contradictory bible texts into some semblance of continuity (an attempt at which they ultimately failed). So the Serpent, the Dragon, the Devil, Satan, Lucifer, Anti-Christ – all of these have different origins and meanings, many of them having nothing at all to do with what modern society – and even modern religion – calls the Devil.

So does an ultimate evil exist according to the Jewish canon? The answer is a definitive no. Indeed, virtually every act of genocide, viciousness and torment is perpetrated by God. Even evil spirits who assault people are sent directly at his behest, so the lack of an ultimate evil is understandable. After all, with a friend like the Hebrew God, who needs enemies?

God's gonna fuck you up, son.

It makes sense in another way as well - Judaism was supposed to be about having only one god, so the writers of the Old Testament were careful to never present any challengers to his power. Zoroastrianism, a religion even older, posed a rivalry between two entities, one good and one evil, named Ahura Mazda and Anghra Mainyu, respectively. The dynamic of these two gods was very similar to what we now consider to be the relationship between God and Satan, for despite their monotheistic declarations, in time the Abrahamic religions began increasingly to adopt this concept, with Satan as their Anghra Mainyu.

Satan's most prolific depictions by far are presented in the New Testament, probably because the kinder, gentler Jesus wasn’t inspiring as much terror as before, and the ever necessary threat of punishment found a new incarnation. His most significant appearance is in the Gospel of Matthew (4:1-11), in which he tempts Jesus in the wilderness:

"Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and the glory of them; (Wow, that must've been one freakin' tall mountain!) and he said to him, 'All these will I give you, if you will fall down and worship me.'

"Then Jesus said to him, 'Begone, Satan! for it is written, "You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve."' Then the Devil left him, and behold, angels came and administered to him."

That sounded like a damned good deal to me, Satan. Where do I sign? But behold, Jesus was a pantywaste, and he refused. And I'm not sure exactly how these angels "ministered" to him afterward, but I doubt they were as fun as the ministrations you could get from Satan's crew.

In any case, this is the very first incarnation in which Satan is seen as a concrete being, and one capable of the power to reward and punish and serve as a possible replacement for God in our worship. With this distinction, Satan's formal rivalry with God over human souls had begun. Along with his increased importance came a jump in power, and Satan was eventually seen as, if not an equivalent to God, then at least as significant to God's flock (that's us). 

For all his supposed evil, Satan's body count compared to God's is pretty fucking weak.

Satan's heyday was most certainly during the Inquisition and the Middle Ages, when he was granted all of his powers and lackeys. When the Christian churches were at the height of their power and fighting for supremacy, suddenly not even the bloodthirsty OT god was terrible enough. They needed something even worse, something that would either punish sinners outright or simply tempt people enough to piss off God so that he would. Embracing the good god versus the evil god concept at last, the frothing Inquisitors and their followers proposed all kinds of evil supernatural creatures to populate Hell’s legions. Many demons even had names, and were patrons over men's sins just as named angels patronized men's virtues! Hell was truly let loose, and it exploded across Europe, conjuring more demons than you could ever get rid of, even if you can totally beat Doom on Nightmare mode. 

Think you're bad, son? Try Dark Ages mode!

Another reason for emphasizing the terribleness of Hell was to make heaven look better by comparison. Christianity has never been able to present a very sexy paradise, so the idea became making life and damnation both so goddamned awful that even Heaven would seem...well, like Heaven.

Zzzzzz...

As the Dark Ages wore on, yet more demonic fables and legends were added to religious folklore. The demon Lilith, for example, whose origins were actually Sumerian (again), was postulated to have begun life as Adam's first wife. She left the Garden o’ Eden because she refused to assume the missionary position during sex, which further shows not only that god obsesses about what you do in your bedroom, but that Adam was a fucking chump. He was "cursed" twice by women, first by a one who wanted to ride him to ecstasy, then by her replacement, who granted him all the knowledge of creation. We men should be so lucky as to meet either one of them.

Below is a contemporary depiction of a female demon. If this is what Lillith looks like, then here's further proof that Adam was either gay or stupid. She could ride me any day.

Horns can double as handlebars.

SATAN GETS A MAKEOVER

In the 4^th Century AD, after Christianity was finally given free reign to shove its shit in everybody’s face, conversions began en masse. Their main tactic in converting the old Pagan nature worshipers was assimilation, which explains, among other things, why Christmas and Easter are set on the Solstices. When the ancient fertility cults proved difficult to assimilate, early Christians resorted to demonizing the old gods. Since a great many fertility gods were depicted as having horns (a sign of virility as well as a connection with nature), it followed that Satan should have them too. Many other characteristics followed.

This was actually a good thing for Satan’s image because before he was the vehicle for demonization, nobody could say exactly what he was even supposed to look like. Originally appearing as a mindless, slavering monster, Satan became more anthropomorphic over time (and developed his scheming pointy beard) once his role as sly tempter became popular. Losing most of his furriness, his skin became either black or chili pepper red, evidently as a result of Hell’s toasty climate. The trident, another ancient symbol of domination, was placed in the new Devil’s hand.

SO WHERE IS SATAN NOW?

With the dying out of the Inquisition and (most) religious domination, Satan became far less of a threat. For most of us, Satan represents that dark allure, the temptation of being naughty, often personified by the playful little devil on our proverbial shoulders, and is a danger only to squares who refuse to live life to its fullest. He’s often portrayed sympathetically, as a symbol of those who refuse to submit to tyranny or other overburdening authority. 

Southpark's depiction of Satan is about as sympathetic as the infamous show allows.

Taking this perspective to the next level, the officially recognized religion of Satanism was organized by Anton LaVey in 1966…and yes, that specific date was on purpose. The central tenets of the religion itself are really nothing new. LaVey himself admitted that it was “just Ayn Rand’s philosophy, with ceremony and ritual added.” Accordingly, modern Satanists, as I can attest to from personal experience, are merely secular humanists with a flair for theatrics. Most of their efforts are engineered to be wanton blasphemy, but seeing as how this is against a God that they do not believe exists (even Satan doesn’t formally exist to them except as a metaphor), it’s clear that their primary goal has always been to shock and tease Christians. Unfortunately, they are so obviously harmless, so few, and so prone to lashing out at one another that not even fundamentalist Christians pay them much heed anymore.

Anton LaVey preparing to devour a small child.

That’s not to say that Satanic scares have fallen by the wayside. Satanic ritual abuse (SRA), a complete fallacy conjured up as a result of the MPD mania of the eighties, lasted for many years, ruined lives, and we are still feeling its effects today. There is much more to this matter, far too much for me to address here, but I would be pleased to recommend additional reading if requested.

I hope this blog has been informative and entertaining. If not, complain to this guy. He can tell you where to go.