Well, here's another one. So deal with it.
Let me begin by saying that the vampire used to be a perfectly respectable monster. There are many different versions of vampires throughout various cultures and histories, but all share the characteristics of being undead freaks that feed on the blood of the living. Created to be evil, unholy creatures that torment humanity, they faithfully sowed terror and death among the human populace for hundreds of years.
Now, all of that has changed.
The vampire's transformation into more of a subtle trickster, and even his penchant for seduction, actually occurred much earlier, but I think the final nail in the coffin (so to speak) was Anne Rice. Her longest running series features a vampire named Lestat, and I fully admit that I have not been able to finish one of the books in this series. For any true fan of vampires - or just anyone who can’t tolerate horrible writing - it’s almost impossible to do so. However, I did complete another one of her books, The Mummy, and I doubt it’s outrageously different enough to be acceptable.
Rice herself is worthy of her own condemnation, so I will not fully address her defects here. If you want to see an excellent analysis, go here:
Anne Rice's entry at Encyclopedia Dramatica
Thanks in part to her handiwork, somehow people forgot that a monster is just that - a monster! They're supposed to be the stuff of nightmares, not wet dreams! But with the movie adaptations of Rice’s vampires being played by Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Antonio Banderas, the violation was complete. To say that the vampire’s dignified image had been raped would be an understatement, but with his testicles so cleanly removed, surely it would at least be impossible to destroy his reputation any worse, right?
Right?
Wrong.
Enter Twilight, a series of books that can charitably be described as horrible fat girl fanfiction. Stephenie Meyer’s Lestat is named Edward, and the extent to which he misrepresents the original vampire is almost inconceivable. There are plenty of critics of Twilight, but there is a factor that I don’t think has ever been addressed.
People seem to be forgetting (or are changing the rules to avoid) the fact that vampires are undead. That means that they are in fact dead people who are animated by some other force. Do you see where I’m going with this yet? No?
That’s right, kiddies!
Specifically, since vampires are intelligent, sex with them is known as intellective necrophilia. Thank you, Book of Erotic Fantasy.
Now, I’m really not passing judgment. If you want to bang a corpse, that’s your business. But don’t try and pretend you’re not doing exactly that. I guess you could say that intellective necrophilia is slightly less verboten if the undead are intelligent and capable of desire and consent. Regardless, I think fewer people would be so gung-ho for Twilight if they were reminded that their lust for Edward is necrophilic in nature.
But as with Anne Rice, Stephenie Meyer has decided that destroying one monster’s reputation is not enough. The next beast to feel the sting of her literary axe – the werewolf.
*Sigh* Seriously, it's almost like she has a grudge against monsters and is actively trying to destroy them. Maybe she blames them for her pretentiously misspelled name for some reason. I dunno.
And on it goes. While expressing my contempt for the new Twilight movie, a buddy on my list presented me with some horrible news:
"i have to give you a heads up though, and this is no joke: zombies are next on the list. go to your local bookstore and you'll see that i'm speaking the truth."
If they're trying to bastardize zombies, then the poor creatures must be undergoing changes even more dramatic than the vampire to be considered bangable. They are, after all, mindless, shambling, rotting corpses, and to make love to one (even a pretty one) would be straight-up necrophilia - essentially just masturbation with rotting meat and bones - no matter how dramatic a makeover you give them. I doubt this will stop people from trying though. Twilight has become a cash cow that just screams for imitators. Hey, just write crappy Mary Sue stories and throw in a monster or two and you’re in business!
Well, on behalf of all the people who appreciate monsters for what they truly are, I will address the mob of fat, emo, hormone-crazed dimwits who enjoy Twilight, including the legendary hambeast hack herself, and say:
STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY MONSTERS!
I never cared for the Twilight series for these reasons, but never took the time to think deeply why. This pretty much sums it up, and the necrophilia view is something i did overlook. Time to have a talk with my 12 yr old, lol. LEAVE MY MONSTERS ALONE!
ReplyDeleteFor years, since the second book hit the big screen, people have been complaining about Twilight's male characters. There are two versions to this story.
ReplyDeleteThe first, the later one, is from The Middle - Twilight: one girl's choice between Robert Pattinson's hair and Taylor Lautner's abs.
The second was passed around a lot more favourably - Twilight: one girl's choice between necrophilia and bestiality.
Your argument isn't original, but at least it comes with pictures and contempt for the "author".
And as a side note, did you know the books are essentially Meyer's sexual fantasies? I read an article in which someone pointed out how the protagonist looks exactly as a younger Meyer might. Except this younger Meyer has a dead boyfriend and a crush on a dog. Go figure.
I did not know Twilight was Meyer's sexual fantasy, but nor would I have assumed anything else, really. Mary Sue fanfiction is, of course, entirely based on incredibly implausible sexual/romantic fantasies.
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